A Strange Fan

It is a strange relationship that we Americans have with our female celebrities. We can’t seem to find an altar tall enough to adore our darlings from, if only so that the fall may be all the greater and longer. Like tribes of old watching their youth sent into the wild, we watch as reality contestants duke it out competing for survival, as young debutants embarrass themselves for us, just to see them eliminated from the fame that we’ve all had to accept never having ourselves. After all, it’s comforting to know other people like me aren’t famous. But it is the ones who go far beyond mere reality that we truly enjoy, who make it to Eden itself, and still can’t resist snorting up a line of the forbidden fruit. Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Ingrid Bergman, Grace Kelly, Rita Hayworth, and the proud lineage of countless other women whose disgraces we boldly define like complaining of dust on a mirror. And yet, dear reader, I must confess I have a certain love for them as well. For those actresses that don’t do too many vices, consistently sleep with the same couple of people, and maybe produce an artsy film or three. The ones who seem to somehow save themselves from us. And so I wanted to take the time to tell the already famous tale of one Rome Facepage and her strange career. I wish I could say I’d known her personally, that we’d had amazing conversations about life and all the incredible things she’d gone through. Instead, I’ll just tell you why I wish for that. I’m a strange fan but Rome’s life is a strange story. It’s the crazy ones who stay loyal.

The Father of Rome

Rome was the daughter of one Mark ZuckenFark, who in the midst of his undergraduate days created a social networking website that became incredibly popular. With the extraordinary timing of a man hit by a car in the Nevada desert, this website captured America and became ingrained into everyday life. He called it facepage and from its very inception it was an instant success. ZuckenFark tried to hide his true identity on the social site by simply making his last name Facepage and welcoming new members by automatically linking to their profile. After several years, millions of users, and a few lawsuits later, it ended up being more convenient for ZuckenFark to simply change his last name to Facepage. His business grew thanks to illegal downloading and sophisticated phone cameras that slowly eroded the foundations of the music, television, and movie business. Advertisers eventually had no choice but to shop their wares on the exclusive and influential Facepage site. How else would anyone know a movie existed or that your band had a good song, but to post it on Facepage for their exorbitant fees? They also employed several innovative marketing ploys such as charging users for deactivating their accounts rather than at activation and not sending junk mail, ever. Over time, Facepage accumulated a massive amount of wealth, a gorgeous wife, and an autobiography (You’ll Be Back, Douchebags!) that you could download a copy of for $4.99. Such is the way empires are formed. In the midst of this wealth and power, Rome Facepage was born on April 14th, 1999.

Online Childhood

From the very beginning, Rome could be found online. Her father, Facepage, liked to post videos of her that would spread to the millions of accounts that didn’t understand how to operate the ‘Friend Delete’ function on facepage. Her first steps, her first words (“I has friends!”), and her first potty accident can all be found on the web archives. She had her own account by the age of 7 and thousands of people befriended her within moments of its creation. Her father was very strict about the privacy settings at first. Facepage adamantly warned her, “No posting your home address. No talking to boys older than twelve. And absolutely NO PHOTOS IN THE HOUSE!” Her profile image was all smiles at first. Cute, filled with friends and laughter. When the teen years hit things got quiet and she resorted to images of unicorns or when the mood hit her something even more androgynous. She stopped posting profile updates and stopped answering comments. Frankly, there are times when I wish myself and the other fans had more details about this period. Some of us think that she got burned out on the constant chatter of people she didn’t know online. Others think she became bitter at all the attention that came from the fact that they only talked to her because of her Dad. Personally? I think it’s just a cause and effect problem. If you didn’t do anything to get famous, how much can you expect to really care if it stays or goes?

Earning Fame

After the fans of her infancy had wandered away, when she had quit posting anything but ever darker profile pics of the latest known-obscure images of the web, there came a change. Rome, still linked to millions of friends on Facepage, began to post videos from a comedy group that consisted of her friends in high school. She used the connections from the site to get the group started, herself appearing in a few of the sketches but never as a major actress. The stuff was sophomoric at best, adults being obnoxious and kids having all the answers they needed at the time but there was a certain cleverness about the writing. A certain outsider’s touch, like the voice of someone you’ve never heard before speaking across a room of familiar tones. “Oh my God, you’ve been on Facepage for like, four hours talking to your 247 friends. And of those people, you think…like maybe 6 have actually hung out with you in the past week?” They were the kind of jokes that were only funny if they were told in person. Many of the comment sections derided these scenes and said that the writer should be suspended from school for such stupidity, but the people who made these comments were hardly capable of judging anything except what they liked anyways. There were enough watchable sketches, not necessarily funny ones, that a following began to develop thanks to Rome’s distribution. People began to check back to their website for weekly updates. And thus internet fans are born. After the show moved to its own website people began to forget she had anything to do with it at all. One of the male actors who wrote most of the better episodes once commented, “Great, we’re popular on the internet. By the time I get to a bar and tell a girl who I am, we’ll be old news again.”

Losing Anoynomity

After several years and a few major offers, Rome’s comedy group decided to make an internet film. It was broken up into five ten minute segments and spoofed teen horror films of the 70’s. It took place at a summer camp and featured the cast all showing up to become counselors before being killed off one by one. Frankly, I think they just stole most of the jokes from ‘Wet Hot American Summer’ but the thing has a cult following now and you inevitably get flamed for saying so. Rome, now about 16 or so, had a fairly minor role that included a gratuitous sex scene. I’ll just get this out of the way now…yes, this is what turned me onto Rome all those years ago. Who knows what makes one particular filming of two people screwing any different from another? Is it because we can relate to it better? Because it stirs us the way a scene of someone dying isn’t as moving as our favorite hero’s last words? Whatever the answer, in the first few months of the movie it was all people could or would talk about. Those who’d never forgotten Rome reminded everyone else and everyone new to Rome began to wonder when she’d turn 18. I was fourteen when I saw her and not even watching the actual film. A porn site had spliced out her particular scene (to save everyone time) and you could link to it directly. There wasn’t anything private shown, no nipples and no skin that wasn’t somewhat safe to be watched at work. But between the moaning and the gyrating, Rome Facepage’s entry to fame could still get your imagination purring.

Mortification

Rome, by all accounts, was horrified. Her profile filled with comments from the pitying to the pitiful. Her facepage profile had only been a mild interest or curiousity for most people, but almost overnight it became a pastime. Her father was quick to swoop in and ban the comments board, red flag any message with her name in it, and have the video taken off the comedy group’s website. All of this, naturally, meant that people made their own comment boards, called her a different name than Rome on facepage (‘Emor’ was the one I used. Creative, I know), and claiming to take a video off the internet is almost an oxymoron. It was almost like Facepage making a big deal out of the video just fanned the flames of people’s interest even more, made the fantasy all the more alluring to know that there was a crazed beast keeping the princess locked away. During interviews Rome claimed that her first reaction was to lock herself away in her room. That she was scared to even check her e-mail in case there was yet another creepy solicitation or raving fan. She also hit a curious growth spurt after the sex scene became so incredibly popular. She attested to blooming in size a full four inches over what felt like mere days. When one of website’s many advertisers found out she was suddenly in need of new clothes, they offered to supply her with a full wardrobe and salary if she would appear in only their clothes in all future photos posted on her profile. She was, at the time, receiving 234,000 views per day on average on the open photo albums alone. At first she didn’t make any offer and still maintained lock down on her profile. And then one day everything on her profile, the comments, photos, and interests section were up and running again. Her entire collection of photos was deleted and new ones with her wearing the new wardrobe replaced them. Her new favorite band was the current best seller. And her favorite movie was coming out that Fall.

What To Do With Fame

The two years between Rome’s ill-advised debut and her 18th birthday passed slowly. I say slowly only because it seemed that way for both the people who fantasized about that magic day when she would be legal in America and her agent whom she hired to guide her career. She released several internet movies over this time period that had lukewarm sales because of her firm attempt at restoring a family image. There was one web movie about her solving crimes that had a paltry 10,000 downloads, despite much hype from the internet community. During that strange phase where every movie and video game that came out had to involve cybernetic implants, Rome played a ‘busty cyborg sidekick’ (who possessed the eerie ability to say that three times fast) in a trilogy of FPS titles called ‘Maximum Rebooty’. The gameplay was generally given low marks but Rome’s new and growing fan base appreciated the effort to appease them. Her profile interests and pictures on Facepage were under the strict control of the fashion company and rarely had anything truly interesting to look at, but there were rumors steadily growing of a wild lifestyle that all the money from her fashion and product placement contracts afforded. Binge drinking at the most expensive bars in Manhattan. Flirting with celebrities. Sex scandals. The stuff most young people do if they have half a chance, though in Rome’s case I’d say that she had a bit more than that. A cell phone image or two would appear on the web, but her father’s attorneys were among the best in the cyber law trade. The poster would be traced by the network they used and no matter how anonymous the origins, they were usually found and fined for posting a trademarked celebrity likeness. Naturally, this didn’t stop anyone.

Turning Eighteen

Rome Facepage’s eighteenth birthday party was a date marked on the calendar by an ever-growing legion of fans. Just before the event happened Rome had a hit movie come out that cemented her popularity. One of the writers from her old comedy group had written a comedy movie that was a teen coming of age story. Rome starred in the piece and did a respectable job of playing a person just like herself. The timing could not have been more perfect. It was generally given good reviews and broke a respectable 3 million downloads, but it was the tongue-in-cheek that Rome had about herself that I admired most. There was one scene where she and another girl actively mocked one of their classmates who became popular solely because of a rumor she herself started about how good in bed she was. “That’s so T.T.Y.L. of her. Who gets popular just for moaning and making a bunch of boys get excited? You know, LOL, anyone can do that,” Rome chirped just before an awkward silence and a slight glance at the camera. It always gets a laugh out of me. I always was a sucker for people who make fun of themselves but don’t really mean it. All these impressions were running through my mind and the entire fan base’s mind when, on the day after her entry to legal consensual sex, the photos of the 18th birthday party were posted on the web. I think the event was so hyped up that maybe Rome just figured it’d be a shame to disappoint people. If someone wishes to start bitching now that Rome is a talentless hack with no sense of humor, then that party is proof that at least she could have a good laugh. Between the gold chain rappers, waiters dressed as satyrs, and ice sculpture of two lesbians scissor-fucking, there was at least a joke on somebody. As one of the comments on a website aptly put it: “I don’t understand. Is this a party for me or for her?”

Growing Bigger

The outcry, or applause, was enormous. Internet shows clamored for her to interview. Commentators that people read made jokes. Commentators that no one read but used their comments section deplored the lack of morality in the nation’s youth. Teenagers thought it was hysterical, parents thought she was a bad role model. Yet despite all the attention, Rome was stricken yet again with a curious growth spurt. Whereas the sex scene that marked her debut several years ago had been followed by a jump in four inches, this time her body stretched itself out almost an entire foot. Rome went from being 5 feet, 5 inches to 6 feet, four inches. Her father, worried protector that he always was, summoned the best doctors he could find yet none could offer any explanation for the sudden increase in height. She told interviewers that she wasn’t in much pain but often felt extraordinarily tired and uninterested in doing anything while the spurt came over her. Most of her clothes could no longer fit (again) and clothing companies offered to supply a wardrobe if she would wear them in all her web albums. She agreed and things settled down again for a while. When I think back about what I liked about Rome as a fan, it is probably this phase the most. Not in the sense that her work improved (it didn’t), but rather just that this was when I found her the most attractive. The height boost had stretched out her body considerably, but it seemed to make all the features align themselves just right. When you saw her on the clothing plug photos, she just seemed healthy and happy. Maybe a bit clumsy with the new height but not concerned, still laughing, and still having fun. But it was not to last.

Steady Gains

Things seemed to steadily wax and wane for Rome for a while. Fans would come when she did a successful project, fans would go when one of them flopped. She would make the news occasionally, a blurry fan photo of her at the club or a paparazzi shot of smudged make-up and spilt drinks. She had a wide variety of boyfriends and seemed to have discarded any notions about the sanctity of even pre-dating sex. She rarely gave interviews but then again, people seemed to rarely ask for them. The scars of the sexual stunts that had led to her fame at the get-go never quite seemed to go away. Despite the clamor for better behavior and presenting a good model for youth, when Rome did a show or webcast that was suitable for all ages it almost inevitably flopped. If she did something risqué or offensive, the downloads would be through the roof and everyone got rich. “What’s the point of being humble and good if it doesn’t make you famous?” she said during one interview. The comment received a fair amount of derision. Several people became famous by writing books about how offensive the decline in morality was because of stars like Rome. They would complain about Rome’s attempts at family entertainment, constantly reminding everyone how unfit she was for the role because of her scandalous exploits. Still, the industry for complaining about Rome almost was as viable as her sexual antics. Those that complained the most loudly about her behavior depended on it with a regularity of a Church giving money to the homeless. The constant sea of new clothes and life on camera also helped to hide an ever growing problem: Rome kept getting taller.

A Curious Form of Infamy

Rome hit her most massive growth spurt during the same time as the scandal that made her the most popularly hated. It happened while she was filming a web movie in Georgia, a remake of ‘Legally Blonde’, except unlike the last remake this one takes place in the South. There doesn’t seem to have been much else to the sales pitch. By this point Rome’s reported height was a downright creepy 6 foot, 9 inches. Thanks to several elaborate camera tricks (and a foot stool) they were able to hide this fact during the filming of previous movies. Some fans had noticed through the occasional unsolicited photo but for some reason her medical condition never quite had the same popularity as calling her a slut. While having lunch in a restaurant in Atlanta, Rome’s height became so cumbersome that she actually could not find a way to fit underneath the table. Normally, when she was in New York City, restaurants were happy to accommodate her every whim. Because of this Rome as a bit shocked when the server suggested she simply angle her legs from underneath the table and eat sideways. “Excuse me, but surely you must have some kind of alternative?” Rome exclaimed. The waiter shrugged and said she could eat outside if she wanted. Unbeknownst to Rome, the server did not use the internet and unbeknownst to the server, Rome was famous. “Listen, I’m from New York City. This type of thing just doesn’t happen,” Rome explained. The waiter, mistaking this comment to be an apology, replied “Well, it’s not your fault you’re a Yankee, Miss. Don’t be so hard on yourself,” At this point, “Miss Facepage lost her temper and began screaming obscenities. Several dishes were thrown before she was forcefully escorted out of the restaurant.” These facts, along with the others, all became public after the final ruling of the lawsuit Rome filed. You can download it for free, if you’re interested.

Giving Them What They Want

It’s hard to say what part of the case inspired quite the degree of outrage that it did. Like a good novel or movie, it was probably the layers and numerous appeals it offered to the public. Almost as soon as the papers were filed the internet was abuzz with talk about the spoiled daughter who needed to get over herself. The full legal authority of Rome’s father, desperate to appease his almost freakishly tall sobbing daughter, was leveled at the small local eatery. Facepage’s attorneys filed suit for battery, intentional infliction of emotional damage, and slander amongst many other charges. Their enthusiasm, although certainly paid for, proved to be so excessive that they may have pushed things a bit too far. Comparing Rome to the civil rights movement and basing their charges on ‘Brown v. Board of Education’ proved to be more damaging than helpful. At one press release an attorney explained, “Those who believe someone can be denied service just because of their Yankee heritage are no different than those who would deny people service because of the color of their skin.” It did not quite have the intended effect. Bloggers bemoaned a society whose celebrities had the audacity to compare themselves to the great freedom fighters of the past. There was even an edge of class warfare to the case, a chance to remind the wealthy that there were certain topics they were better off keeping their mouths shut about. But most of all, it was the chance to take a stab at someone famous. Photoshops of Rome’s head in Civil Rights photos appeared (particularly the ones with hoses). The website, facepage, became overwhelmed with mocking images and groups protesting the website’s support of Rome. And all the while, Rome grew taller.

Still Growing

In case you’re wondering, I’ve been criticized on comment boards for my sympathies for Rome. For lack of a better word, I’ve been PWND over it. I bear it with the best patience I can muster and with the recognition that I am apologizing for a changed person. There are moments, such as her lawsuit, that I can’t really justify it beyond, “Well, she’s not such a bitch anymore.” Such is the way of the infamous, though in Rome’s case it is a curious form of infamy anyways. As the public seized the issue of her lawsuit and talk about it incessantly, Rome’s size increased. Several groups of the less admirable Southerners began to refer to it as ‘North vs. South’ and supported Rome as one of the repressed whites in America. She grew taller. The NAACP immediately protested and issued boycotts on downloading any of Rome’s movies or T.V. shows. She grew taller. She was on the cover of Time, though by the date of publication they had to take the photographs from ten feet away to get all of her in the frame. She grew taller. The lawsuit had been settled in trial court by this time (she lost) and the attorneys had appealed. Since this process took so long, news organizations began focusing instead on her growing height. Strangely, no one in America had noticed that she was starting to become so tall until someone on the news pointed it out. Her tear-filled public announcement that she, “just wanted to be treated like everyone else,” was met with a sincere lack of sympathy. Being famous is one thing. Increasing to gigantic sizes because of over-exposure is another thing. But either everyone certainly had some-thing to say about Rome Facepage. She grew taller.

Where the Famous Are

As her height reached the twenties, it began to be a serious problem of where it would be best for Rome to reside. She couldn’t return to New York City, there would be no place to go and she could be a serious liability amongst all the buildings anyways. Animosity for her in the South had reached such a degree that there was no respite there. There were offers from Las Vegas for Rome to become an attraction there but her father flatly refused. In the end, Facepage bought a ranch in Northern California and did his best to make life comfortable for his still growing daughter. He invested 20 million in a giant mattress for her to sleep on. 30 million to make a blanket. Food itself became an enormous problem since what would ordinarily feed an entire family could no longer pass as a mouthful for Rome. Facepage did his best to create a budget, but at the same time he didn’t want his daughter to live on bread alone. Thousands of cows and millions of chickens were slaughtered to keep her diet balanced. At first Rome demanded to have a drink or two before bedtime but that soon proved too expensive to manage more than once a month. The subject of clothing for the still-growing Rome was of great concern for Facepage before he finally negotiated with the old clothing lines that had been so amicable in the past. She would wear billboards now. The catch to this arrangement was that in order for the companies to actually pay Facepage she had to stand out by Route 1 near the ranch. Although perhaps degrading, the companies could not deny that it was the biggest spike in revenues they had seen for some time. If the logo or ad for your company was covering up Rome’s chest, there was no doubting it’d be read. People seemed fairly amused by the whole situation at first. Watchers would ardently wait hours until Rome would modestly attempt to go to the bathroom in the Pacific Ocean. There are countless videos of her standing by the road, wearing the signs of companies just to make enough money to survive, all the while growing taller little by little every day. After six months since her initial outburst in Georgia, Rome reached the incredible height of thirty feet.

Facepage Undone

As Rome continued to grow taller she needed more food and water, bigger blankets, and a bigger shelter to survive. Soon not even the advertising fees from the billboards and Facepage’s wealth were enough. Her father was forced to offer more advertising spaceon his website, so that eventually there were so many pop-ups and jarring banners people began to quit using it. Personally, I still kept an account up but I only went to glance at Rome’s status occasionally. A new internet fad was quickly replacing social networking sites as well. The fantasy of having hundreds of friends that you only vaguely knew was replaced by having hundreds of people that vaguely had similar interests as you. By using cell phones as social networking devices, they would ring whenever someone who had similar interests as someone else entered the room. Facepage, faced with nearly empty bank accounts and an evergrowing daughter, finally broke down and turned to alcoholism. The media turned their attention away from Rome long enough to see a few drunken rants from the man who had defended his own daughter through it all. Finally, he filed for bankruptcy after the legal fees for Rome’s initial lawsuit were demanded (they had still lost) and abandoned Rome. At this point, Rome had few options. Countless medical schools and universities were willing to offer her help in exchange for rights to study her both for her condition and anatomical reasons. But none of them could bear the burden financially to feed her for more than a day or two. There were several pleas for the government to step in and for a moment it looked like it might happen. An incredible industry had grown around simply feeding Rome and their lobbyists wielded significant influence in Washington. Unfortunately, the nation had divided on whether they were obliged to pay for a thirty-five foot tall woman. “Let her fend for herself, that’s what I say. I didn’t make her grow so big,” said one columnist whose bitching about the gigantic celebrity had made her famous. It almost looked as if people were going to just let Rome starve.

Rome Finds Religion

A solution eventually presented itself from the one group in America that knows how to look after its own: celebrities. One night while Rome was sobbing and clutching her already worn blanket to sleep, a helicopter landed on the ranch. Bank agents had arrived to foreclose on the Ranch, but on advice from some a few soft-hearted lawyers Rome simply acted as if she could not hear them when they tried to tell Rome to leave. It would only work for a few months, but they couldn’t make her leave until she was properly served with the foreclosure suit. When the helicopter landed Rome was counting the days before she would be the biggest homeless person in America. She immediately assumed the helicopter was the bank and tried to cover her ears as the loud speaker came alive. “Rome! Do not cover your ears! We are missionaries from Los Angeles! We’re the rich & famous, just like you!” Which was mostly true. The people who had flown out to see Rome were Cellulists. They were a cult, though I feel like that’s being harsh. A group of Scientologists who had enjoyed the philosophy and science of their former faith but disliked the brainwashing and enslavement had created their own schism within the movement. They believed that millions of years ago human beings had been a series of separate entities. The bacteria in our stomach, the mitochondria in our cells, and even our own brains had been separate beings that through a natural impulse had united to form a greater being. Dozens of different warring bacteria, cells, and viruses had put aside their differences and formed an alliance to create the human race. They believed that humanity must now do the same thing and unite into one global entity. They referred to this being as the world mind and achieving it involved a great deal of meditation, donations, and wild sex. Like I said, it’s a cult but that’s being a bit harsh. Most of the members were having a really good time.

Rome's Place in the World

The Celluloligists explained to Rome, after she had given up on ignoring them, that she had a place in the world. That even in America, the country that at first had loved her, then insulted her, and now intended to let her starve, that even there she still fulfilled as important a job in our society as one’s hand or foot. Even at thirty-five feet tall, Rome equaled the same essential functions as one’s own stomach or lungs. Celebrities served a purpose for all mankind. They were a key part of people’s lives, a way for them to project their own fantasies and nightmares through a filter that kept them from engaging in such unhealthy behavior themselves. If you go on the Celluloligist website you can find an in-depth explanation of all this and an FAQ. Technically, they compare celebrities to the liver, “so important for processing drugs and alcohol”, and talk about how impossible it would be to survive without one. I’m not much of a Christian and I certainly don’t practice Cellulology either, but trying to think of movie stars as way to filter substance abuse seems counter-intuitive to me. Still, Rome and countless other celebrities ate it up. The Celluloligists offered Rome clothing spun by their members whose job wasn’t to be wealthy but rather work for the world mind. She moved further South, onto the very compound that the Celluloligists resided and farmed their all-natural goods. She helped them farm the land, tripling their crops while learning to subsist on a meager diet of wheat and vegetables. Rome became cheaper. But even this small peace was not to last for her, because even the Celluloligists had their strange beliefs. The purpose behind turning the planet Earth into a world mind was the oncoming approach of an evil galactic empire composed of evil world minds. These beings were bent on absolute subjugation and the only way to save the Earth was to organize the species into a whole and project our own psychic counter-attack. Naturally, this article of their faith was generally not brought up (least of all in the FAQ) but it eventually leaked to the global internet community. Rome, the biggest member of the cult, was back in the news. She grew taller.

Found At Last

The discovery of Rome’s membership had been kept secret at first. When hikers spotted her at the compound from several miles away, a place owned by such a rich and bizarre cult, they immediately posted pictures on the web. It forced many of the internet dwellers who had almost, almost, deleted all their joke files and images to blow the dust of their portable drives and launch a new torrent onto the web. “I’d World Mind It” became a popular slogan, with the still somewhat cute (though proportionally larger) Rome set as a background. “I’ll be the brains, you be the bowels” became another popular slogan. “The Evil Galactic World Mind Sent Me” was attempted as a joke, but never caught on. Rome, noticing another growth spurt coming over her, soon realized that she was once again the subject of ridicule on the internet. In what could not accurately be called an interview but rather eavesdropping, a camera crew recorded her explaining to a fellow Celluloligist, “But I didn’t do anything! I can’t even do anything bad because I’m so huge now. Can’t they find someone else to make fun of? I don’t mind being a joke anymore, but can’t it at least be a joke that I’m in on for once?” Bloggers on the web, after seeing the video, commented that one would think that someone so large would have thicker skin by now. The torrent of internet attention, cameras, and people obsessing induced just enough radiation to finally make Rome grow to the forty feet that would be her maximum height during this ordeal. She was the biggest she’d ever be. Rome peaked.

Saving L.A.

During times of great drama come times of great need, though I think when it was said they weren’t referring to forty foot tall celebrities. Rome, still fairly sexy whether in a billboard or extra-extra-extra-extra-large smock, could still appeal to the average guy naked (her genetic defect did not seem to affect her proportions in any way). Although it had taken many years, incredible amounts of suffering on everyone’s part, the majority of Muslims in the world had become rational, fun-loving, and stereotyped as being good at physics. Yet there were still one or two extremist sects left. One of these groups managed to take over an Interstellar Moon Jet. It wasn’t actually interstellar and didn’t actually ever go to the moon, but it was capable of doing it and the owners never failed to point this fact out. The problem was that there was enough nuclear fuel power on the jet (to enable speedy 24/7 global travel) to level a fairly large city. This particular radical Muslim sect, happening to also be incredibly good at physics, purchased dozens of tickets on one particular flight headed to L.A. and knew precisely how to set the reactor to finally level the American Entertainment Industry once and for all. They took over the flight with ease and were fully prepared to annihilate all of Los Angeles. Yet one Muslim-American did not fail in his patriotic duty and love of Hollywood to phone city officials and explain to them a key tenant of this Muslim sect. All forms of extremism require equally extreme laws to equalize their behavior and this group was no different. As the Muslim-American explained, “They believe that if they see a naked woman who isn’t their wife, they cannot under any circumstances get into paradise. No, I don’t know why they believe that, maybe you can tell me why people think Elvis is still alive. THE FUCKING POINT? THE FUCKING POINT IS THAT IF YOU JUST SHOW A NAKED WOMAN TO THEM BEFORE THEY CRASH THE PLANE, THEY’LL BELIEVE THEY WON’T GET INTO HEAVEN. Maybe they’ll turn the planes around you idiot!” I know there isn’t any way to prove this, but I think the Muslim-American who called was a Rome Facepage fan.

A Naked Victory

At first Rome thought the whole thing was some kind of sick prank. She wanted nothing to do with civilization and had not heard about the incoming planes. Rome was even considering moving to Africa to spread the word about Cellulology and thought it was all just some scheme to embarrass her one last time before she left. Thankfully, enough of her fellow cultists backed up the story and even the Mayor himself called in on loudspeaker to plead with her to not abandon America in its time of greatest need. I imagine that the Cellulologist headquarters being in the city was also key point, but all the same Rome agreed to help. She dashed the twenty miles to L.A., police sirens blaring as they cleared the road for her. She bounded over hills and farms, tip toed over suburban houses, and finally arrived to the shoreline. Although the police did their best to drive away as many people as possible, there were just too many fans and too little time. Rome looked around and saw dozens of people, sitting on surfboards in the ocean or hiding on rooftops. She also could just barely make out the Interstellar Moon Jet in the distance. Rome sighed. One of the people watching on YouTube later that week commented that she looked like she was almost about to not do it. Someone else commented that she’d have to be pretty fucking stupid to not think she’d be killed in the blast herself. Eventually, Rome sighed and began to lift off her smock. The digital cameras raised in expectation. When her lone, gigantic garment finally fell to the ground and Rome stood naked before everyone, she raised up her arms and started to laugh. She jumped up and down the shore, she kicked a few waves at the fans on surfboards. She mooned the people on the roofs. And when the terrorists saw her, they realized that they were no longer perfect and could never get into heaven after seeing such a sight. They decided to land the plane.

Making a Come Down

It’s odd to go back now and watch the films of Rome naked and saving L.A. It’s almost an asexual experience to watch someone strip nude to help you. Besides the fans filming and taking pictures headed for the web were countless news crews catching the moment as well. They respectfully censored much of the footage and Rome made more respectable headlines for saving Los Angeles. People praised her for being so selfless and even the crudest commentators would only dryly add, “Well, that was cool but did it have to be L.A. she saved?” For almost an entire week Rome was saluted in America. Rome, although happy about the positive fame, still seemed hesitant to trust the public. Perhaps she never did at all. Soon enough, people lost interest in praising someone for doing something nobler than they had and went back to their preferred hobby. Whether by clockwork or by demand, a new video began to circulate on the web. A teenage girl, two years shy of 18, whose body was superhuman in the most feminine of ways had become an overnight sensation. She had posted a video complaining about boys her age and how lame people at her school were. By the next day, she had thousands of new friends offering her advice. Shocked at first, pleased at second, and then desperate for more at third, the girl began appearing in more online shorts. Her favorite website was owned by the same company that produced her new favorite web movie. She drank the same soda in every photo. Rome seemed happy for someone else to take the mantle from her for a lot of reasons, most of all that she suddenly began to shrink in size. Within a month of people forgetting Rome’s noble deed she had dropped ten feet in height.

David Lynch Saves Rome

Yet after another month Rome could not seem to figure out a way to keep shrinking herself down. The initial burst of support had led to just as much raw attention as her scandalous behavior but for whatever reason it made her smaller instead. Still pondering what to do, one of her fellow actors and cultists suggested she get back into film. Almost half kidding herself, Rome told her agent that she was doing films again and was shocked to receive an offer within a week. David Lynch was doing a remake of “The Importance of Being Earnest” and had decided she would be perfect for the part of Cecily Cardew. Large portions of the film would involve the cast sitting in her lap or on a set that would be strapped to her back while she walked around on all fours barking. I wish I could explain how they filmed the dream sequence with the pit full of live pigs, but I just find myself praying that it was CGI. Rome, lacking any other offers and curious about appearing in an artsy film, agreed. The movie came out a year later to low sales, rave reviews, and an even smaller Rome receiving an Emmy for set design. She lost a few more feet. People complimented her on how far along she had come after all those years. Many dismissed her earlier phase as mere youthful exuberance and the media had even hit a dull enough stretch that they pointed out her newfound shrinking. She shrank a bit more. Rome still had a lot of free time and did her best to study acting and practice her newfound art. She still couldn’t get many offers because of her incredible height of twenty feet, but when she did get a minor role she always did her best. This stretch of parts was quickly recognized as the best material she had ever produced. These roles were more low key and a bit wider range than just variations of her natural self. Rome grew smaller.

Still Shrinking

As Rome began to prove herself as an actress, her income improved and she was finally able to afford feeding, clothing, and housing for herself again. She still frequently attended Cellulologist meetings and donated her time freely to clinics but she generally kept her beliefs to herself. After several more artsy films and breakthrough roles Rome began to truly hit her stride just as she entered her thirties. After some searching, she finally found her father, drunk in a small Nevada town between Reno and Vegas. They were reunited and Rome used her assets to help him start a new internet venture to make up for costing him his beloved facepage website. They called it ‘Anonymous Confessions’. Users would send speeches ranting about their lives and problems and these were read by a private list of celebrities and would-be actors. They would then choose one or two and act out the speech dramatically, posting the rant on the site and leaving space for comments and rankings. It took a while to get started, but before long both actors and users were clamoring to be heard. Rome eventually confessed that her beliefs as a Cellulologist had inspired the site. “After all, that’s what we’re supposed to do as celebrities. Help the world unite by processing their frustrations and poisons,” she said in a rant she wrote herself. Since she and her fellow cultists were frequently the actors on the site, a few of them eventually opted to form their own talk show that could be downloaded regularly. Rome did not seem to bat an eye at calling it ‘Walking Small’. She had, by about this time, gotten to a regular height of 5 feet, 8 inches.

The Show Goes On

I once read on Wired.com that some Slovakians think they’ve isolated what exactly caused the incredible growth that Rome experienced. A particular gene, when exposed to massive amounts of radiation from digital cameras, computers, television, radio waves, and subspace seems to induce an explosion in size. Several lab mice were effectively grown to the size of Labradors after being posted on YouTube. The tests are still in the clinical stage and they have yet to figure out how to produce the shrinking effects that Rome managed. You can still catch her show and she’ll appear in the occasional film, but for the most part Rome’s private life has disappeared from the public. You can still see her profile on facepage though. There are a few photos, ones of her giant days and some when she was still young and innocent. The captions are all blank though. Other than that it’s just a few random quotes. I was looking at it the other day when one of them struck me, “Great is the human race and alone I am of no account. But the individual is still greater than the human race. For though people will continue on long after I am gone, in the individual there is achievement, small comparatively, but actual. When I am done I will not be nothing, not as though I had never been. I will have gone forth bravely, so that others may follow.” I liked Rome. I’d thought she was hot, I’d thought she was a good actress, and I’d thought she was absolutely insane a few times. Hell, the quote even seems to be from a Celluloligist book. But for the first time, I thought she might actually be someone worth getting to know. So I wrote this blog, since there doesn’t seem much point in ever actually meeting her in person. What else is there to see? It is a strange relationship that we Americans have with our female celebrities.